The Final Frontier of Madness
by thesemimaster
Summary: The Enterprise is having it too easy, so Q decides to give Picard his biggest headache yet. Rated M for strong language and situations. A Red vs. Blue crossover.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: I don't own any of the characters in this story. This story is rated M for strong language and situations. The language won't be as bad as the source material, though. It was harder writing for these characters than I thought it would, but hopefully half of them will maintain their dignity if not their tempers. The other half didn't really have any, but hopefully they'll keep whatever made them who they are. If I violate these characters make sure to let me know.

* * *

Chapter 1: Encounter at Blood Gulch

The Enterprise D had been on a good streak of easy missions over the last several months ever since Q had decided to continue his test of whether humans had the right to explore space. There had been no casualties and only a few minor problems the crew had been forced to deal with. This is exactly what Captain Jean-Luc Picard was thinking as he stepped out of the turbolift and onto the bridge. 'It's not normal for us to have things this easy,' he thought. 'I have the feeling something big is going to happen in the near future.'

As soon as his sensors picked up the presence of his captain, Lieutenant Commander Data rose from the captain's seat and turned to face Picard. "Good morning, Captain."

Picard nodded. "Good morning, Mister Data. Is there anything to report?"

Data took a brief moment to analyze his databanks. "The only incident to report involves our discovery of a new comet in the Zargos system. We have already scanned it and sent the information to Starfleet. There is nothing else pertinent for me to report."

"Thanks, Mister Data, you stand relieved," Picard said.

Data nodded and walked over to the Conn and motioned the Ensign there to be relieved. Then he sat there and started monitoring the controls.

After Picard had sat in the Captain's seat and made a mental checklist of the ship's goals for that day, he tapped the communicator on his chest and said, "Captain Picard to Commander Riker."

After only a second's delay, the First Officer's voice responded, "Yes, sir?"

"Could you report to the bridge a few minutes early this morning? There is something I need to discuss with you."

"I will be there in five minutes," Riker responded.

"Thank you, that will be all." Picard sat there and starred at the viewscreen. He kept expecting something to materialize. He ran through the possibilities. A Romulan warbird? A Klingon bird of prey? Possibly even a Borg cube? He knew deep down that this long peace was building towards some huge crisis, he just didn't know what.

He was shook from his thoughts by the voice of his first officer. "Captain, you asked me to report early, sir."

Picard quickly regained his composure. "Yes, Number One, could you step into the ready room?" the captain stood and started walking towards his office. "Commander Data, you have the bridge."

Once inside, Picard took his place behind the desk. He quickly gathered the right words and said, "In your personal opinion, how prepared do you think the Enterprise is if it faced a major crisis? Any crisis. From within our ship or an outside source."

Riker thought for a second. "I believe that there is a good reason that the Enterprise is the Flagship of the fleet. Our people are the best that Starfleet has to offer and that we are heads and shoulders above the rest." He paused. "But a crew can never aim too high. Here lately the crew have been too relaxed. There haven't been any major offences, but there have been more and more crew members being late for shifts. Only five minutes here, three minutes there. Almost all of our crew used to report early just in case they were needed."

"And what course of action do you think should be taken to correct this problem?"

"One thing we could do is run daily drills, rather than weekly ones. This would send an important message to the crew the we must stay on our toes, no matter how long we've had it easy."

Picard smiled. "That was exactly what I was thinking, Number One. Make it so."

Riker nodded to his captain and left the room.

Picard stood and looked out the view-port. "If nothing else this might make things a little exciting aboard the Enterprise. It is unnatural for a starship captain to be bored."

"Why, if you need a cure for boredom, Jean-Luc, all you had to do was ask," a voice said behind him.

Picard took a deep breath and turned around. An all-too familiar face was grinning back at him. "Q, I didn't ask for anything. I was just thinking out loud. That is all."

Q gave Picard a knowing smile. "Now, we've been friends for over seven years now and you really have nothing to hide. We both know that you really get your kicks when your back is against the wall. You may enjoy peace, but in the corner of your mind you love it when the challenge arrives."

Picard raised his hand to silence Q. "Firstly, I am not and never will be your friend. And secondly, while I do like a challenge, I don't enjoy my crew being in any danger."

Q pretended that his feelings were hurt. "Why, Mon Capitan, you truly do me a disservice. Here I am, taking time out of my busy schedule to help a friend out, and this is how I am treated. I have a mind to leave right now."

The two starred at each other for a few moments. Finally the captain broke the silence. "I don't suppose you really will leave, will you?"

Q shook his head. "Not when I have such a pleasant surprise planned for you and this ship. I know this little place in another universe that the Federation has yet to explore. Actually, if it weren't for me, you would never have a chance to see it. I doubt mankind will develop technology that sophisticated for quite a while." Q touched the wall of the ready room. "By the way, Jean-Luc, have I ever told you how quaint starship travel is? It really is a wonder that your kind have survived this long."

Picard ignored the insult and said, "Q, we don't need any help from you. We're not interested in exploring any place you would find interesting."

"You continue to disappoint me, Jean-Luc. What if Columbus said, 'I am not interested in finding another way to India' or if Zefram Cochrane had said, 'I don't care anything about spaceships.' I thought that the great Captain Picard would jump at any chance to further humanity's knowledge." Before Picard could respond, Q continued. "I will sweeten the deal even more. This is something that I will never say to you again. We both know that whether or not you agree with this, I'm going to do it anyway. Here's the promise. This place will be the safest place I have or ever will send you. The chances of somebody on this ship getting hurt is one in a hundred and the chances of someone getting killed are even lower. I give you my word."

Picard tried to read Q's face. Finally he said, "Well, I've never been able to stop you before. At least this time we can go into it prepared. When do we leave?"

Q smiled. "We'll be there just about now," he said, and snapped his fingers at the end of the sentence. The Enterprise jerked as if was spinning at high speed. It continued shaking for only seconds before it stopped as suddenly as it began. "Have fun, Jean-Luc," Q said, before disappearing.

Picard quickly walked out of his ready room and surveyed the bridge. He noticed that everyone was looking at the viewscreen. What he saw wasn't entirely surprising, but it wasn't normal either. He saw a planet that appeared to have a ring circling it. He turned to Riker. "Report, Number One."

Riker was walking around, glancing at monitors. "We appear to have jumped from one point in space to another without warp travel. We're not in any previously explored space. None of the star formations match up with any in our database." He looked up at Picard. "There is no way for us to know where we are. Except for possibly on that planet. It's a little too convenient that we happened to appear right beside a planet."

Data took this chance to give his report. "It is highly improbable for us to be transported to a random destination that is in proximity to a inhabited planetoid."

"So," Picard said, "there are signs of life. That ring doesn't look natural. Is it constructed around the planet?"

"Yes, the ring is made up of elements and alloys that are unknown to the Federation at this time. Also, scanners are registering several humanoid lifeforms clustered in a canyon near the equator." Data continued to analyze his screen.

Riker leaned over and whispered to Picard, "Do you think that Q might be involved? This has his fingerprints all over it."

Picard smiled. "It is Q. We had a little talk right before this happened. He thought that we could use a little excitement. He did try to ensure me that whatever was on that planet wasn't dangerous."

Riker sighed. "Do you think that we can trust him?"

Picard shook his head. "No, we still can't trust him. But if we don't try to do something, he'll probably just let us sit up here until we die of old age. Take two crewmen and beam down to where those lifeforms are." Picard looked his first officer square in the eyes. "Don't do anything too risky. Q can be clever when he wants to be."

"Understood," Riker said. Starting towards the turbolift, he said, "Commander Data, Lieutenant Worf, you're with me." The two crew members followed him into the turbolift.

"Transporter room three," Riker ordered the lift.

Worf studied Riker. "Are we expecting hostility from these lifeforms?"

"We don't know anything for sure. Just be ready for anything."

Worf showed a slight smile. "Aye, sir."

As soon as the doors opened, the three Federation officers stepped off and walked towards the nearby transporter room at a brisk pace. Riker glanced at the transporter chief as they entered the room and said, "Set coordinates near the location of the unknown lifeforms." The three stepped up onto the pad and waited for the chief to configure the transporter. When Riker saw that he was ready, he gave the order. "Energize." With a low hum of energy the three officers disappeared from the room.

When Riker, Data, and Worf materialized, they found themselves in the middle of a large grassy canyon. "This is peculiar," Data said. "This canyon is artificial. If it was natural, then there would be an area for water or wind to flow from one direction to another. It would appear that this area was excavated within the last several decades."

Riker pointed to one end of the canyon to where a large grey building stood. "Do you think that was buried under the dirt?"

"It is possible, but without further information, I can not draw any absolute conclusion."

Worf was looking in the other direction. "There is another building on the other end. Do you think they dug the canyon, then built these bases? If that is the case, they are only vulnerable by air or space. Unless the enemy had a weapon that could tear down these walls. It would take a flawless strategy to invade this place."

"If I might add another possibility, "Data started. "This would be an exceptionally fortified position, but if you had a group of beings that needed to be imprisoned, this would be an excellent place as well."

Riker stroked his beard. "So this could be an important base to these people, or it could be a prison. Is there anything else that we're missing?"

Data suddenly looked towards one end of the canyon. "My internal sensors are indicating two lifeforms heading this way. According to the speed they are traveling, they must be in a vehicle of some sort."

Riker motioned for Worf and Data to stand behind him. "I will do the talking. Be ready for any hostile actions." He tapped his comm badge. "Riker to Enterprise, monitor our vital signs and beam us aboard should something go wrong."

"Understood," came the response.

At that point, a car resembling a jeep came tearing over the hill and came to a skidding stop just in front of the officers. Two humanoids got out of the vehicle and stood in front of the Enterprise crew. Riker was instantly taking note of the armor the two wore. It covered their bodies from head to toe. He was also trying to decide why one had maroon armor and the other had orange armor. Did it have something to do with rank? It did appear that they were in the same army.

The one in maroon was the first one to speak. "Are you the reinforcements from red command?"

"No," Riker answered.

"Ah, shit, then that means your a blue," the maroon one said, pointing his gun at Riker.

Riker held up his hands. "Calm down, I'm not a blue, either, whatever that is."

"You're not a blue and you're not a red. Does that make you freelancers? If so, we're royally screwed. The only money we have is going to be used to fix the bullet holes on the ten foot statue of Sarge."

The one in orange turned towards his partner and said, "It was pretty smart of you to build that statue. That way you didn't have to keep bending over to kiss his ass all the time."

Riker exchanged confused glances with Data and Worf while the two soldiers continued to bicker.

"Screw you, Grif," the maroon one said. "Just because I respect my captain doesn't mean I kiss his ass."

"Simmonds, you passed the respect level a long time ago. I caught you one night starring at Sarge while he slept. You kept muttering stuff like, 'You're the greatest, Sarge,' and 'You ensure our victory.' I'm pretty sure I even heard you say, 'Grif sucks like a blue."

"You're just jealous that Sarge takes notice of me and not you."

"No, I'm not jealous. I'd have to give a fuck to be jealous. If Sarge were to walk up to me right now and say, 'Grif, I always thought you were the best soldier in this army,' I'd say, 'So, what. That makes this a shitty army then."

Riker cleared his throat. "Have you forgotten us? You asked if we're freelancers. No, we're not freelancers. We would like to speak to whoever is in charge here."

Grif and Simmonds looked at each other. Then Simmonds said, "You know, we think you're blues in disguise. We better make you our prisoners. Having prisoners will give us an advantage."

"What? How many times have prisoners ever helped us out? They either annoy us, shoot us, hit us, or make us get attacked. Whenever we get a prisoner, all it gives us is grief." Grif paused for a second while Simmonds waited. Finally he continued, "And it's extra work taking prisoners."

"Breathing is extra work for you."

"No it's not,"Grif said, checking to see how much oxygen was in his respirator.

Simmonds thought for a moment. "You three go over to that base over there. You can be their prisoners." The two red soldiers hopped in the car. "I'm glad you reminded me of that. The last thing we need is another Doc." Simmonds started it up and started driving towards Red Base.

Grif turned around and waved at the three strangers. "Good luck over at Blue Base. You don't want to know how much you'll need it. Cockbites!"

Riker studied the other two officers. Data seemed amused, for Data anyway. Worf, however, looked like he about to give chase after the two offensive Reds. Riker tapped his comm badge. "Riker to Enterprise. Please beam us up."

As the three began to dematerialize, Riker could swear that he heard someone shouting in the distance. "Bow, chicka, wow, wow!"


	2. Chapter 2

This, I hope, will be my last author's note. This story takes place towards the end of Season 5 of Red vs. Blue and after the last season of Star Trek: The Next Generation so that I could get the most of all the characters. I say this now because I was hoping the RvB would be somewhat of a surprise. I hope this will last for several chapters until I can get a good ending for it. Also, for people who never watched RvB, Sarge goofed up and made Lopez speak only Spanish. Enjoy.

Chapter 2: Loud as a Sarge

It had been relatively calm in Blood Gulch for the last two months. There had been no sign of the evil AI O'Malley, and no freelancers, except for Tex, had shown up. Of coarse the Reds and the Blues bickered constantly and even occasionally took shots at the other side, but no one had died and it looked like that wouldn't change. Only Tucker had any clue as the true reason for the mild peace. He looked down at his sword. It was because of it that he knew that this wasn't how their world was supposed to be. 'It's because of that Wyoming jerk,' he thought to himself. 'Using time like his own personal plaything. When he couldn't reset the events before his death, he froze time and escaped. But he'll be back. And when he does, I'm totally gonna fuck him up,' the soldier in teal armor thought as he was standing on top of blue base.

Standing a few feet, Church, in bright blue armor, was having his own internal thoughts. 'I fucking hate Caboose, I fucking hate Tucker, hell, I fucking hate everyone.' Out loud he said, "Hey, Caboose, get up here right now. I need you to spy on the Reds."

A soldier in standard blue armor came up the ramp and onto the top of the base. "You need me to help you, Church? Does this mean that you are not mad at me anymore? I did not know you wanted the pin and the grenade, together. I wanted the pin so that I could write my name. I did not know it would make Church go boom. And it was out of ink, too."

Church felt a new wave of anger surge through him. He immediately tried to calm down. 'Imagine Caboose getting hit by a rocket. Imagine all the Reds getting some sort of virus that caused them to die a horribly painful death. That would make me happy,' Church thought. Through clenched teeth, Church said, "Yes, I need you to take that sniper rifle there on the ground and spy on the Reds. There are three strangers in the middle of the canyon and Grif and Simmonds are on their way to meet them."

Tucker walked over and said, "Hey why don't you do it yourself? Oh, yeah that's right. Your arms shorted out after the grenade incident. They don't work at all anymore. Hah, they work harder now than you ever did."

"Shut up, Tucker," Church ordered.

"You know what I think," Tucker continued. "I think your arms were already damaged before the grenade got you. You wore out the servos flipping your switch all the time. Bow-chicka-wow-wow!"

"Shuut uup, Tuucker," Church strained to get out.

"Out of all of us, you probably turned yourself on the most. Bow-chicka-wow-wow!"

Church lost control. "Shut up, Tucker, just shut the hell up now."

"The Reds are talking with the new guys now," Caboose said, looking through the sniper rifle.

"What are they talking about?" Tucker asked.

Church felt his anger surge again. "How can he know what they're saying. They half a canyon away from us, dumbass."

"Don't worry, Church, I can read lips," Caboose said.

"Caboose, you can't even read a book, let alone lips," Church pointed out.

"I can too read books. I can read books if they have no words or no pictures or no pages."

"There are no books like that, Caboose."

"Not my fault," Caboose answered. Then he started trying to read the conversation in the middle of the canyon to the best of his abilities. "The red one is saying, 'Why do you want Caboose to be your friend and not us?' And the tall one is saying, 'Because we think Caboose is cool and is awesome. If we had a baseball team, we would pick him first, and we would win the game and give the VPM award to him.' Then the yellow one is talking, 'But we want Caboose to join our team."

"Be quiet, Caboose," Church said.

"Then the pale one is saying out loud, 'We should cut Caboose in halfs and make two Cabooses. The two Cabooses can be friends with each other and Church. Then Church would be twice as happy. Because Caboose is Church's best friend. Then he would have two best friends."

Church sighed and turned around. Tucker decided to take one last jab at his leader. "What hurts the most? How annoying it is or how true it is?"

"I'm going to go lay down someplace, away from him, or anyone else," Church said. Then he walked down the ramp and out of sight.

Tucker turned and watched Caboose for another minute while his fellow soldier continued to "translate." "Hey, Caboose, you do realize the Reds have their helmets on and the strangers have their backs to you? How are you reading their lips?"

"I am reading their helmet lips and their back lips," Caboose answered.

The Reds got in their vehicle and drove away. Then the strangers stood at attention. Tucker's ears twitched. "Woah, he just said something about getting beamed. Bow-chicka-wow-wow!" he yelled at the top of his voice as the three officers faded away.

"Now I am reading their invisible lips. The tall one is saying, 'Now we can become Caboose's friends forever. We'll join his other invisible friends like Roger and Teddy and Bobby and Church Number Two."

Tucker started to back away. "I don't like where this is going. I'm splittin' now." Tucker quickly walked down into the base.

Caboose, not caring that no one was still there, continued. "And we can have invisible tea and invisible cookies and wear invisible party hats. And we can watch an invisible clown blow up invisible balloons and we can see an invisible magician turn an invisible rabbit to where you can't see it. That would be the bestest party ever." Caboose kept talking for several hours until it was food-naptime.

Meanwhile, aboard the Enterprise, Riker had just finished his report. He could tell that his captain wasn't entirely happy.

"So, that is all that you discovered?" Captain Picard asked.

"Yes, sir."

Picard sat there for a couple moments. "I see. It never crossed your mind to find the other inhabitants. You left the planet without questioning the other people. One of them could have given you the answer we needed."

Riker felt a sliver of shame to be scolded by the man he respected most. "You're right, sir. It's inexcusable."

Picard sighed. "How do you believe we should proceed?"

"First, I don't think Worf should return to the surface for a while. He was just barely able to contain himself down there. I also think we should bring Counselor Troi with us. These Reds and Blues are likely suffering from some kind of traumatic stress from fighting each other. They may have been fighting for years. She could help us find out how we can help them and how we might can get back to our own universe."

"Do you think that it's wise to have a non-combatant in the middle of a potential war-zone. And if she were to go down there, Lieutenant Worf would insist on being on the away team. I'm afraid I have to decline your request. You can handle yourself in combat and negotiations. I have the utmost confidence that you can handle this situation without any additional help. I do admit that these people seem like they would be hard to deal with." Picard rubbed his forehead. "Q knows how to give me a headache."

Just then, "Commander Data to Captain Picard."

Picard tapped his comm badge. "This is Picard. What is it?"

"We just recieved a signal from the planet, audio only. You will need to hear it."

Picard stood up and walked onto the bridge followed by Riker. Picard nodded to Data who played the signal for all on the bridge to hear.

"Hello, this is the sergeant for Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha 1," came the gruff voice one the intercom. "Is this Red Command?"

"This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise. We are not your Red Command."

There was a short pause. "Are you sure? This isn't Vic playing one of those crazy jokes of his is it? You know, like when he pretended to be helping the Blues?" There was another silence. "Ha! Ha! I get it. Your in disguise, aren't you? There's a top secret mission brewing, isn't it. You're pretending not to be Red Command because you don't want the Blues to know 'til it's too late. C'mon, tell me what the plan is and my men and even my Grif will attack the blues from our end."

Picard and Riker exchanged glances. "We are not Red Command, Mister, um, what was your name again?"

"Does it involve filling the blue base with cockroaches, and then using a enlarger beam to make the roaches the size of three men and then having them viciously eat the Blues one at a time? Ooh, I bet you use a time machine to go back in time and kill the first Blue's father. Then that commie blue bastard would never be born."

"No," Picard said. "If you would please stop for a moment, we could explain."

"It has to do with Grif, doesn't it," Sarge continued. "I bet Red Command secretly created him through centuries of intense genetic research. The final product is someone that is so annoying, so lazy, and so stupid that any self-respecting commander would have no choice but to hate his infernal guts. Then they would station him at the most strategic position and wait for his sergeant's anger to build into a fiery inferno. Then that sergeant would shoot him a thousand times in the head, therefore, releasing a deadly virus that affects only Blues. Then every Blue in the universe would die a painful, yet deserving, death."

The bridge of the Enterprise was void of sound.

"In my many years of experience, I've learned that silence means yes. Hey, Simmonds, it looks like my Grif being a walking virus hive theory was right."

"I never doubted it for a moment, sir," Simmonds answered back.

Picard wiped the sweat from his forehead. "Is there anyone else there that we can talk to?

"Why yes there is. This is Lopez. He's almost like a son to me. Say hello to the nice Red Command people, Lopez."

There was a long pause before a voice responded. "Please do not make me do this. I do not want to meet any new people. I do not not want to know the people I know now. I wish I had a self-destruct mechanism."

"Heh, that's my boy, alright," Sarge said, proudly. "I built him with my very own sweat and blood. He was the product of years of study and hard-work. Now he's the picture of perfection. It's all because of my excellent parenting skills."

"You're right, sir," Simmonds said. "I wish you were my dad, sir."

"Kiss-ass," Grif muttered.

"The only thing that you taught me was to hate Grif and Blues. But no matter what you say, there is one Blue that I will never hate. My beautiful Sheila. It feels like centuries since my eyes have laid upon her lovely visage."

Sarge sounded like he was about to cry. "I love you too, Lopez. I'm really touched you would say something like about your old man. All this father-son talk makes me want to enter us into the Red Team father-son sack racing league. How about me and you go hunt us some Grif and skin his hide for the sack."

Picard motioned for the audio to be cut. "It's almost like the two of them are speaking different languages."

Riker nodded. "Communication will be difficult with these people. The orange one, Grif, I believe, said the Blues were even worse."

Picard took a few moments to think. "I believe that, for a while anyway, we should avoid contact, and just observe their behavior. Surely, that way, we can find out what we need to do to get back to our universe."

"Right, I'll go and form several away teams to watch them," Riker said, then left the bridge.

Picard sat down in his command chair. 'Maybe I was too tough on Riker a little bit ago. These people seem oblivious to anyone but themselves and their war.'

-----------------------------------------------Visit this site for more chapters------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile at Red Base, Sarge kept rambling. "All this family talk's reminding me of that song I used to sing to you right after you were built. Sing along, Lopez. The doohickey bone's connected to the thingymajig bone, thingymajig bone's connected to the something-something bone, the something-something bone's connected to robobone and that's how I made Lopez's leg. You're my favorite son, Lopez."

"I hate you. I wish Grif was my dad, cockbite."


	3. Chapter 3

Captain Jean-Luc Picard was sitting in his ready room when the buzzer chimed. "Enter," he said. Will Riker stepped into the room holding a stack of electronic reports. "Ah, good, Will. Have the away teams been successful in gathering any new information about these Blood Gulch residents?"

Riker nodded to his captain. "We know more about the individuals, but we still don't know what the overall picture is. They have been fighting between themselves for over five years, but the majority of them believe that Reds and Blues are waging a war all across the galaxy. I am skeptical about that fact because they hardly have any contact from anyone in their chain of command and the one person that has been in contact with them is named Vic. He claims to be the communications officer for both Blue Command and Red Command."

Picard rubbed his chin. "Is there any chance that there are two Vics that just happen to have the same name?"

"That is a possibility," Riker agreed. "It's even more likely that this is all some sort of twisted training mission gone wrong or got suspended. Our scans show that there is a minimum of valuable minerals and resources on the planet, and our long-range sensors indicate no inhabited planets anywhere near here. There is literally no reason for there to be a base on this planet. If I had people I needed to get rid of, I would consider putting them on that planet."

Picard motioned for Riker to be seated. "Five years is a long time to wage any sort of battle. It might be our place to stop the battle on the planet and to get these men home to their families. Are those the reports from the away teams?"

Riker nodded. "They are. From these reports, ending the war is going to be a lot easier said than done." Riker glanced down at the first one and then handed it over to his captain. "This is from Ensign Malachey's team. It shows us our first glance at the Blue Team."

Picard took it and started to read.

Church, Caboose, and Tex were standing on the hill outside their base. Church had just finished telling her about the strangers that had been seen in the canyon. "So," said Church, "do you know anything about that type of uniform? Do any of your Freelancer buddies wear anything like that?"

"Hell, no," Tex said, in her dark armor. "When we fight, we're smart enough to keep ourselves protected. No Freelancer would be caught dead in a war zone without a helmet and body armor. Whoever it was, it isn't anyone we have to worry about invading our canyon. Probably a bunch of Girl Scouts trying to sell their cookies."

"Cookies," Caboose said. "I would like some cookies. I would take the chocolate chip ones and eat them. But I would like Church to have some too. And Tex can have some too."

"That's sweet, Caboose," Tex said. "I'm pleased that you would share your cookies with me. If I ever get any cookies, I'll give you some too."

"Ugghh!" Church grunted. "I can't believe how nice to Caboose you've become. Why are you so nice to him but such a bitch to the rest of us?"

Tex shrugged. "I don't know. He just sort of grows on you. How can you hate someone like that?"

Church shook his head. "I hate him because he tries to kill his teammates."

"I don't try to kill my teammates. I just do it by accident. It isn't my fault," Caboose pointed out.

"Somehow, that makes it even worse," Church said. Then he noticed Tucker stumbling up the hill with Junior on his shoulders. "What the hell happened to you? You look like you've been drinking."

"I have been drinking," Tucker said. "I've been drinking in the most beautiful sight I've ever seen. Get this, Church. I just saw Sister bathing in the cave. There is only one way to describe it," Tucker said. Then he pointed up to Junior. "Tell them how it was."

"Bow-chicka-wow-wow-blarg," Junior said.

"Exactly," Tucker said. "Now Doc isn't the only one to have a nice, long ogle. Hah, hah!"

Church and Tex exchanged glances. "You mean you haven't seen her naked before today?" Church said. "Last week I was about to go in the kitchen, I mean the training room to work out, but before I opened the fridge, I mean door completely, I noticed Sister was in there. She was working out in her birthday suit, if you know what I mean. Uh, yeah, she was completely naked and stuff. And she was lifting more weight than just the barbells. Yeah that totally happened."

Tex shook her head. "Um, me too. I saw her naked last month. We were sitting on the bed talking about girl stuff, when we got into an argument about what boy we liked the most. Then one thing led to another and we had a naked pillow fight."

Everyone was silent for a second. Then Tucker said, "You two are totally bullshitting me. I saw her naked before any of you and even Doc didn't get as good of a peep as I just did."

Church looked at Tex. "I wonder what gave it away? Probably all the girl stuff crap. The only things you ever talk about are guns and killing."

"I talk about other stuff, like how much I hate being stuck in this canyon," Tex said, angrily. "Oh, and all that stuff about you going to work out was completely believable? You haven't exerted yourself a day in your life."

There was an uncomfortable silence as tempers flared. Caboose made sure to take advantage of this silence. "I saw Sister naked yesterday. Church had sent me to my room because I accidentally broke rule number one. All of the others had went to fight the red people when I decided to make myself a sandwich with peanut butter and tuna and mustard. I was eating my sandwich when she came out of the bathroom wearing nothing on. She said, 'Oops, I thought all you guys were out today.' I said, 'No, Church made me stay at home. He will write a note to himself about me being absent.' Then she said, 'Well it's more fun if there is someone here to watch." Caboose quit talking.

Everybody starred at him. Tucker, knowing that Caboose was too stupid to actually make anything like this up, said, "Well, what happened next?"

Caboose scratched his helmet. "I forget."

Tucker fell facedown on the ground.

Church knelt down beside Tucker. "Before you start wallowing in self pity, did you find any trace of those strangers from the other day?"

"No," came the miserable response.

"Shit!" Church swore. He looked at Tex. "We might have to contact Vic at Blue Command if we can't figure out who they were. The last thing we need is another fucking group of enemies."

"I'll go see if I can find anything," Tex said, walking off.

"Right," Church said, walking into the base.

Junior sat beside his father and tried to comfort him. Tucker looked at Junior and said, "Here's another important life-lesson. Never fall behind to a Caboose when women are involved. There is no greater shame."

Picard looked up at his first officer. "Did this really happen, Number One? Somebody didn't make this up?"

"I'm afraid not, sir," Riker said.

"So, this Tucker is obviously humanoid, but he has a child that's alien? That isn't something you run across everyday, but in itself not that impossible. I am hoping this Sister they keep mentioning isn't their biological sister, is she?"

Riker shook his head. "No, from the rest of the reports we're assuming it's just the nickname they have given her."

Picard sighed. "There's no wonder that this war has lasted so long. Everybody on that planet either hates everyone else, or isn't smart enough to actually fight in a war. Give me the next one."

Riker looked at the next one in the stack. "This one shows one more person for the Red Team. He is one I would definitely steer clear from if I can help it. Actually I would steer clear of the whole Red Team if I could."

Picard took the report and started reading it with a bad feeling growing in his stomach.

Grif was sitting in a chair at the end of a long table inside Red Base. There was a big cake on the table right in front of him with five candles on it. Sarge and Simmons were both sitting at the other end. There was a small stack of presents in the center of the table. Donut came into the room carrying a big bowl of pudding. "I hope you all like this vanilla pudding I just whipped up. I put everything I had into it." Everyone grumbled their thanks.

Then everybody noticed Donut's apron. It was pink to match his armor. What was even more shocking was the phrase 'Kiss the cock' that was stenciled on the front of it. "When the fuck did you get that apron?" Simmons demanded.

"Oh, this little thing. I ordered it from a magazine a few months ago. I just haven't had a good reason to wear it yet."

"Dude, haven't you noticed the screw-up on it?" Grif asked. "They accidentally put a 'c' instead of a second 'o' in cook. It makes a big difference."

"Oh, I didn't even notice," Donut said sitting between Sarge and Simmons. "Being a fluke gives it more character, don't you agree." Nobody agreed with him as Sarge and Simmons scooted their chairs further away from Donut.

Then Sarge picked up a spoon and tapped it against a glass to get everybody's attention, which was strange because no one felt like talking. Standing up and holding his glass out in front of him, he said, "It was five years ago that Grif came to this canyon. We all knew that we would all hate his guts the moment we saw him. We knew that we would delight in making every single day of his life so insanely miserable that one day he would end it all and rid us of his presence for good. Never did I expect him to last five years. Today is a special day for all of us to celebrate."

Simmons and Donut clapped vigorously. Donut started to get up, but Sarge waved for him to be seated. "No, Donut. We don't need you to sing your rendition of Celebrate. That's not the song we'll be singing. Now, everybody sing with me, 'Happy hurt day to you, happy hurt day to you, happy hurt day dumb dirt bag, happy hurt day to youuu, and hopefully no more."

Everybody seemed to enjoy the song, except for Grif who wished that he was still in bed. "Can I leave now?" Grif whined.

"Of course you can't," Sarge said, walking towards Grif's end of the table. "You haven't even blown out the candles on the cake yet." Sarge lit the five candles and walked away. Grif quickly blew them out.

"Do you honestly think I'm stupid enough to fall for the exploding candles trick?" Grif asked.

"I hoped you were, but I'm always prepared with a back-up plan." Sarge took out something that looked like a big switch. "Meet Mr. Remote Detonator." He flipped the switch which caused the cake to explode and sent Grif flying twenty feet backwards. Grif's motionless body lay curled up on the ground in a truly unnatural position.

Donut and Simmons rushed over to check on him. "Don't worry, Sarge, he still breathing," Donut called to his commander.

"Ahh, gosh tarn it," Sarge grumbled. "I thought that'd finish him off for good."

"Don't worry, Grif," Donut said. "I know CPR."

"Why would you use CPR, Donut?" Simmons asked. "You just said that he was breathing."

"Oh, yeah, well it still seems like a good idea."

Grif slowly got up. Sarge was walking over holding a present. "Here's my present from me to you," Sarge said, handing the small box to Grif. Grif was too groggy to think about what might be inside. He opened the box and saw a grenade. What he noticed next was the pin that was glued to the inside top of the gift box.

"Oh, shit," he said, before flying another fifteen feet in the air.

"Hey, Grif, if you think that was fun, I bet you can't wait for the other fifteen gifts I got ya, hehheh."

"Sarge, you plan the best holidays, ever," Simmons said, nudging Grif's body with his toe.

"Yeah, if this gets anymore fun, we'll have to call Vic for the activation code to the orbital missile silo," Sarge said, imagining the sight of a huge missile colliding with his most-hated subordinate.

Picard handed the report back to Riker. "This Sarge character is quite abusive, especially to Grif."

Riker smiled. "I'm glad you don't treat your crew like that."

Picard looked at Riker and adjusted his shirt. "A leader should never abuse his people or their rights to be treated fairly. It seems that both commanders suffer from an incredible lack of anger management. We have to be careful. Who knows what could provoke Church and Sarge into attacking us if our negotiations fail."

"So you still believe we will have to deal with them. You believe it is our place to show them that peace is the answer to their problems."

Picard nodded. "Q is constantly testing us to see if we have surpassed our barbaric past. If we can end this conflict, I believe that we can prove to him that anyone group of people can change their ways." Picard took the rest of the reports. "I'll finish reading these and we'll meet in the morning to decide the best way to proceed."

"Aye, sir," Riker stood and left the room. Picard picked one up at random and started reading the next report which involved Caboose and Sister inside of Blue Base.

Please visit this site for more chapters

After Picard had read that one he set it down and moved to the next one. Then his head shot up and he said, "Wait, what?" He picked up the one he had just set down and reread it very closely. Rubbing the back of his neck, Picard murmured, "I think we need to keep this Sister away from Will Riker."


	4. Chapter 4

Riker, Worf, and Data were standing in the transporter room. They were checking to make sure their equipment was in order and that their phasers were set to stun. Riker quickly went over the mission in his mind. The three of them would beam down to the planet and try to negotiate with both the Blue and Red leader. They would attempt to halt the hostilities and create a stable atmosphere between the two sides until Captain Picard could meet with them and help them hammer out a permanent treaty.

When the three of them were sure they were prepared, they stepped onto the transporter pad. "Energize," Riker told the transporter chief. The three officers disappeared in a flash of blue light.

They reappeared behind a large rock in a secluded area of the canyon. "Alright, we're going to the Blue Base first," Riker said. "We will try to talk to Church, their leader. According to our reports, he was described as an angry and violent man. We need to handle negotiations with him as delicately as possible. Now, Blue Base is that way if I'm not--" Riker was cut off by an explosion.

The three officers quickly ducked down further behind the rock before any stray debris could hit them. "Where did that come from, Data?" Riker asked.

Data took a short moment to analyze his sensors. "The explosion happened approximately thirty meters ahead of us. It appears that the source was a small explosive device, perhaps a grenade. I will require more information before I can know if we were the intended target."

Worf gripped his phaser tightly in his hand. He could feel the blood begin to rush through his body as he thought of the possible battle ahead of him. His lip curled upward revealing sharp Klingon teeth. He believed in Starfleet's peaceful methods, but the Klingon in him always enjoyed proving his honor through battle whenever the chance arrived. He peeked up from behind the rock. "It appears that they are already fighting each other. That attack must have been terrible aim on their part."

The three officers watched the battle from their somewhat safe location. It appeared that neither side truly wanted to kill the other team. That or they were just too lazy to actually try.

* * *

Simmons was firing the mounted gun on the back of the warthog. Bullet casings were showering the ground next to the vehicle. The only problem was that the bullets were only hitting rock, grass, and dirt. That didn't stop Simmons from having fun. "Take that, you damn Blues. Suck on this bullet sandwich, fuckers. And here's some bullet french fries to go with your bullet sandwich. And take this bullet ketchup to go with the fries. It's rich in iron, like your blood."

Sarge was standing right beside the warthog. "Heh, heh, heh, good shooting Simmons, and even better taunting. I can hear the Blues quivering in fear. It won't be long now until the Blues are defeated and we can claim this planet for the Red Command. Especially with my new secret plan just about to hatch." Sarge looked inside the warthog where Grif was napping. "Numbnuts, wake up on the double!"

Grif raised up. "Is the battle over?"

"No, you waste of space. We need you to get out there and distract the Blues while we sneak up behind them."

Grif starred at Sarge. "You want me to distract the Blues so that you and Simmons can sneak up behind them? How many years of military training did you go through to come up with that tactic? No wonder we've been stuck in this fucking war for over five years."

"Why don't you come up with a better plan?"

Grif was silent for a moment. "Why don't we retreat a bit? Then when the Blues come to check to see where we are, we ambush them?"

Sarge just starred at Grif for a moment. Then he turned towards Simmons. "Excellent job using that ESP thingy to make Grif say that excellent and extremely creative plan."

"Thank you, sir," Simmons said, still shooting grass. "That is what I'm here for."

Sarge got in the warthog and started the engine. "I guess it's time to make our fake retreat. Those Blues won't see through this trick at all." Then the warthog started driving towards Red Base.

* * *

Church watched the warthog drive off through the scope of his sniper rifle. "Hey, I think the Reds are setting us up for an ambush," he reported to Tucker, Sister, and Tex.

"Really," Tucker said. "I thought that they were really running away from that one bullet that you fired ten minutes ago. You truly are a modern day, fucking Robin Hood, Church. If I had an apple on my head, I would totally let you shoot it off."

"That's William Tell, moron. And I'm saving ammunition," Church stated. "As leader of of the Blue Team, it is my job to make sure we have enough rations and ammunition to last us through this war."

"You know how many bullets we really need to win this battle?" Tucker raised his hand with four fingers held up. "We only need four bullets to win. Sarge, Simmons, Grif, and Donut. Four bullets. It's your shitty aim that has made this whole mess last so long."

"So, you're blaming this all on me. The whole war on me. A single individual. You don't think that anyone else is to blame. Not even a little bit."

Tucker shrugged. "Okay, so maybe it isn't just you. The people pulling the strings in command knew just who to put here to drag this battle out as long as possible. Oh, but that whole thing about you conserving ammo, that was just you being full of shit."

"You know," Sister started to speak in her light yellow armor. "You saying that reminds me of something that has confused me for a long time. Back when I was joining a frat house, my sorority sisters made me eat a bunch of weird, foreign chocolate. After I ate it, they just kept constantly yelling, 'Ha, ha, you're full of shit!' I still don't get what was so funny."

Church slapped his hand against his forehead. "Oh my lord, you weren't eating chocolate. You really were eating shit."

Sister looked confused. "Huh, I remembered it tasting different."

"Well should we chase after- wait what?" Church stuttered. After a second, he said,"Actually don't elaborate more than that. The sad thing is I still prefer her stories to Caboose's."

Tucker nodded his head. "Plus I like the potential for nudity that she presents, too."

Tex sighed. "I like how you two are just ignoring the fact that I'm here."

Tucker looked at Tex. "Sorry, I don't like your potential for violence."

"Are you going to help us win this battle?" Church asked.

"Depends on how much cash you've got."

"We have no money. Which means you're no help." Church looked over at Tucker and Sister. "We're going to follow the Reds. We're going to hope that they are as ill-prepared and don't really care about winning as we are. That's about the only way we're going to stand a chance of winning." Church started jogging towards Red Base with Tucker and Sister following close behind. Tex lagged behind them just to enjoy watching the show.

Tucker settled along beside Church as they continued to jog. "It's a good thing we sent Caboose to distract Doc until this thing is over."

"Yeah, there's a lot less that can go wrong with them two out of the picture."

* * *

Caboose walked up to the entrance to Doc's cave. He always enjoyed visiting Doc. They would talk about stuff all the time. Caboose was about the only one that Doc had talked to since the commotion two months earlier. Doc enjoyed talking to Caboose because nobody else would talk to him. Caboose also enjoyed talking to the rock in Doc's cave. Doc had drawn a face on it and named it Rocky. Caboose wished that Church would meet Rocky and that they could all be friends.

Just as Caboose was about enter the cave, he noticed somebody else approaching. He turned around and saw that it was Donut.

"Hello, Donut," Caboose said. "How are you today?"

"I'm fine. Did you come to visit Doc today, too?"

"Yes, Church told me to distract Doc while him and the rest go play with the Red Team. He told me to make sure that he does not leave the cave."

"Hey, guys thanks for coming to my humble abode," a voice said a few feet away.

The two of them turned and saw a man in purple armor standing right outside of the cave.

Caboose turned and looked at Donut. "Um, Church said that if he left his cave, that I was to stop him from going into the middle of the canyon."

Doc started stretching. "You came just in time for my weekly jog around the canyon. Without regular exercise your muscles will atrophy into nothing until you're like a skeleton. A skeleton without muscles. Now come along with me on my jog. I've got a great song we can sing about the skeletal system that goes to the Star Trek theme."

"Sweet," Donut said, joining in behind Doc. "I love songs about bones."

Caboose stood there and watched the two other soldiers start to jog towards the center of the canyon. "Uh-oh. I think it's about extra-angry Church time." Caboose started to jog after the others.


End file.
